Sparks of Insanity

YUI - Rolling Star

2011-11-09T23:13:00.002+08:00

The whirlpool of

2011-07-18T20:38:00.001+08:00

In a whirlpool of awe and desire,

You hid your smile, deterred what once radiated your soul,

What cruelty sustains this?

I were once a fool to believe in that facade you were putting on,

Blinded by the radiance of the torch you lit,

Little did I knew, that we were the same after all and all.

Spinning steadily, but randomly, goes on round and round.

In a whirlpool of pandemonium and disarray,

I pretended to be someone I want to be, revealed the true self only to ones I loved.

What consequence concurs this?

I were once a fool to have faith knowing what will have become,

Misled by warmth of your hearts emit,

But do you know? We are the same after all and all.

Spinning steadily, but noxiously, goes on round and round.

Cats In the Cradle

2011-06-11T13:10:00.002+08:00

My child arrived just the other day
He came to the world in the usual way
But there were planes to catch and bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away
And he was talkin' 'fore I knew it, and as he grew
He'd say "I'm gonna be like you dad
You know I'm gonna be like you"

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home dad?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then

My son turned ten just the other day
He said, "Thanks for the ball, Dad, come on let's play
Can you teach me to throw", I said "Not today
I got a lot to do", he said, "That's ok"
And he walked away but his smile never dimmed
And said, "I'm gonna be like him, yeah
You know I'm gonna be like him"

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home dad?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then

Well, he came home from college just the other day
So much like a man I just had to say
"Son, I'm proud of you, can you sit for a while?"
He shook his head and said with a smile
"What I'd really like, Dad, is to borrow the car keys
See you later, can I have them please?"

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home son?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then dad
You know we'll have a good time then

I've long since retired, my son's moved away
I called him up just the other day
I said, "I'd like to see you if you don't mind"
He said, "I'd love to, Dad, if I can find the time
You see my new job's a hassle and kids have the flu
But it's sure nice talking to you, Dad
It's been sure nice talking to you"

And as I hung up the phone it occurred to me
He'd grown up just like me
My boy was just like me

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home son?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then dad
You know we'll have a good time then

- By Harry Chapin -

Reflection of Desire

2011-05-22T22:30:00.001+08:00

I believe humanity was born from conflict.

Maybe that's why in all of us lives a dark side.

Some of us embrace it.

Some have no choice.

The rest of us fight it.

And in the end, it's as natural as the air we breathe.

Some point, we're forced to face the truth

...

Ourselves

Out of phase

2011-03-07T15:27:00.004+08:00

讲真的，不知道为什么会那么在意，

词穷也说不出什么吧，

想让新的朋友较稳定，就代表放弃了吗？

没奢望过知己，可是还是一样会受伤，

自己的想法很苦，别人的想法很痛。

自己任性的想帮自己平衡，抬起头时一个人也没有。

Everybody want to change the world, but nobody wants to die.

你可以不要窝囊了吗？

2011-02-27T17:24:00.002+08:00

We always knew that what we said will never really affect the outcome of others,

No matter how hard you try and against, the real tidings are still lies with the person themselves.

Are we using caring as an excuse to demoralized other's choices?

Or are we trying to make a difference, a accomplishment?

Only people themselves will know, and they know what they say will change: none.

So what's with all these rambling from before?

I should apology for anyone offended; some of them are pretty personal perhaps,

And I would comment on from such a high horse above,

Can someone tells me when and where to stop?

Change, is not a horrible thing.

Changes often leads to conflict, but conflicts deepen bonds more than anything,

Conflicts make us need to know more about the other person,

Everyone changes, that is only nature we will grow apart.

Even childhood friend that you think you knew so well,

After you push aside for so long, you expect them to be still the same?

But all of these are just their facade, make no mistake, they are still the same in their core.

Please don't say changing is horrifying,

Takes one to know one,

因为你自己改变了，才会觉得别人改变了，谁先无所谓。

Open for discussion and debates.

不懂你会看不，你在你部落格写的，我是每个都有看，不过你真的要我评论吗？

不要为别人改变自己

2011-02-20T11:25:00.003+08:00

Actually, I do not have anything to write here, just suddenly have the surge to write something after so long. My mind was completely blank even to this point.

I don't think it's a revelation but, I'm a low self-esteem person.

Maybe my outward "performance" may make you think otherwise,

But from psychology perspective, these things are to protect my insecurities.

I guess for person reading this will already know all this.

I'm arrogant, low self-esteem, self-centered bastard.

你们都比我好，可是你们都觉得我比较好。

I guess there's no comparing in anyway.

Comparison will ever settle only mathematically,

Don't you ever think of comparing anything else, because there's no fair assumptions even in the Maths. You have to assume something's constant, it's not gonna happen.

I know I know, what I say now is contrast to what I just said.

But that's the whole point of bringing that up.

"把自己的目标设好,努力向前,不断地努力.就会得到成果. ...吗？

我是觉得，只要是自己喜欢的事，没努力都会有动力，不要为别人改变自己.

不喜欢的事，就算成功也是逼出来的,不会快乐."

Saw this on my friend's blog, Italics are original words others are my response to that,

Though not entirely disagree with that, but considering her sister's way of doing it,

It's a bit overdoing it, though I respect her for what she did for the family.

Of course, both of these are our OWN perspectives,

为别人改变自己,你不累吗？

Ah, I guess I did it again, so self-willingly, commenting on someone else's way again,

I'm really a bastard huh?

To arm against insecurities, bash other's thoughts to make own all high and mighty,

最悪、最低の人ですね？

全部の思い、苦しい...

Twilight towards Midnight

2010-09-29T16:50:00.001+08:00

I would like to stay awhile, and just listen to all these whispers,
But the winds would always carry me away, away away to the lands.
For once, I would like to stop my footsteps to catch my breathes,
But there will be always someone that pushes me around, round around she goes.
There are no promises ahead and nothing gained whenever I go,
But I would always hurt others to get things going, goes around and comes back around.
I was on full aware on nothing it would brought,
Yet I would wrought and trigger the events nevertheless again, again and again the Wheel will turn.

When concludes, with scars that withered my spirits, I hear the whispers, " Are you gay? Mad? Or sad?"
"Nay," I'm would tell them, " I'm satisfied."

In the dried lands, I rise, and fall

2010-09-28T16:04:00.000+08:00

Weird dream, I never had a straight one anyway.
Don't remember much, the only thing I remembered is - someone died, suicide, no less,
Who, I disclose. Why? I don't know.
I wonder why I would felt into the same setting over and over again.
It's the same place again, that condominium.
Every time whenever I had a dream about family, it's always there,
Maybe subconsciously, I only thought of it as my real home, the only place ever.
I don't really hate this place, I mean, how could you complain having a bigger place?
But I don't know why, all my dreams, I kept getting drawn to that condo.
Maybe I read too much to invoke that dream, or my body just need to get some fluid out, haven't been dropping a tear or two for some time now.
This Saturday I'll be visiting her grave, so it's 2 years plus already, time really does fly,
And one concept is proven to be plain lie for fool; Time DOES not heals ANYTHING.
Every thoughts of her invoke sadness and loneliness. The scar won't go away no matter what.
Now I wouldn't want to go deep, it's bad to suddenly broke down and started crying in office for no apparent reason.

There's a lot of people going again this month, seriously I swear there's more than 5 people leaving in just 3 months of my working.
Just when the manager ...did I mentioned she's hot?
Okay moving forward, just when she hired someone, there's always people going.
Now that I think of it, most of them is M_____ * fill in the blank*.
I guess this work is pretty hard, not that I experienced most of them, I've only did small part of it.
But I think I can tell after all, it's hard to not notice them,
It's written all over their face, pressure, the look on their face when they got into trouble with the higher-ups.
I'm starting to spend my last few days loathing around, maybe because my mentor afraid that after I left, the work I followed up will be in a mess,
So she's stopped giving me work like she did before, pfff, now I'm bored out of my skull.

Tink-kwee

At the Brink of the End

2010-09-27T15:08:00.002+08:00

First of all, I can't believe how excited I am, it's only 4 days left for my days on IBM, could be the last time I'll ever be here.
Question is, why would I got all excited? I've got to admit countless times that IBM is actually cool, but now I got all eager to leave?
I've assembled several... "reasons" for explanation

1. I can be backed to studying again, and meeting old friends there.
2. No restrains again. Gaming (rotten) life hooyay.
3. There's CC time on the last day with friends ( More game time...)
4. Finally time to complete several games I should had several months ago ( Even more game time...)
5. ABOUT FRICKING TIME TO END LOTR
6. Finishing my stash... ~~of por~~ of Animes, Mangas, Light Novels... ( GEEK TIME, w00t)
7. CHILDREN'S CARD GAME
8. Finally out of One Utama to eat some decent ( AND cheap) lunches.
9. Get rid of various temptations for getting a Facebook Account.
10. Won't have to sit around doing nothing at all after I cleared my work, BEFORE working hours.

Well, I'm going to miss shopping in One Utama though, there's several pretty good game shops, and DVD shops around here,
But alas, I can't use my money freely, compared to when I'm studying anyway.
I'm thinking about picking up a Pokemon TCG Theme Deck as a souvenir ( blatant lie of a excuse.), though among our friends we only played for fun.
I know I should have put more priority for the money on my new PC... what the heck, I just convinced myself not to.
Ah well, these CHILDREN'S TRADING CARDS can wait I guess. And like I promised myself, I must get a new PC after working as intern.
Breaking own's promises to own's self is pretty funny actually.
But I would have to request a additional money from mom to buy the machine though, let's see how it works.
Got cheated by Dell ( partial my fault), I didn't realized that the price is in USD, I was like, OMGWTFBBQ, ALIENWARE DESKTOP FOR ONLY MYR 3.5K!
Jesus... If I didn't bought that PSP, though I never regret a single moment buying it.
But it's a setback for my PC plan, oh gee, fate is a cruel thing to someone that's greedy.
I suspect I even have MYR 3.5k at the first place now, since I spent so much these past few months, especially during my internship.
Maybe if you start working you tends to think you deserve something more, human nature, but sad one that.
Oh well, I will settle down next month, and try to save as close as 4k as possible, not really necessary 4k as I was expecting the worst case of scenario.

Tink-kwee

Woot

2010-09-23T10:21:00.000+08:00

Holiday mood at the office today.

Well, it's so much better than a dead silent environment.
Everyone seems to put down their work for a while, that's nice once in a while.
Every time I thought I would get sick of this place here, they always prove me wrong.
Oh trust me, oh so many times I wish that I could go away and went back to when everything's normal, or is it?
Aside from the dull design of workstation, this company are not all that bad.
There's good people around here, here even have a good ( and hot) manager, but I think you knew that already.
To think that including today, I have only 7 days left here, and I'm gone after next week,
I thought I should be happier like I thought I would be, but I guess I can really be emotional, despite the self proclaim EQ master.
Sad or Happy, debating which will result as the same as debate whether that chicken or egg born first, pointless.
I think when the day these people arguing chicken or egg first done, both will be the loser, yeah...
Back to topic, I guess association is a terrible thing; once you got used to them, you will find it hard to let go.
Occasionally, I rant, but where there's a thing that I can't rant about? College? Rant. Work? Rant. Traffic? Rant. Parents? Rant. Getting laid?....
Maybe I should really stop all this rant anyway. It's not like writing something will ease up anyway, maybe that is why I'm still... where was we?
Ah work, pretty much everyone will at least try to ask me once, how's work and stuff. I would have to shove them off. Every. Single. Time.
Why? Please, LURK MOAR N00B, I insist.
But now, I guess, based on whatever way you're interpreting my words (Trust me, I got that a lot.), I'm unintentionally telling anyway.
Or is it? Well, I just leave them to your mind.

I forgot when is that, but there's one time that I would like to have a companion to talk to, you know, someone to keep you company when you're down?
I don't know but, I would rarely even approach someone and say "Hi" myself, even on MSN, people know that I don't find people, people find me.
I guess because of that, no one actually finds me to talk to in the end, they would like perception that you're boring, hard to get to, playing cool or what not.
Maybe I project such aura every time? Anyone know how to fix this? Just kidding.
So what's the story? There's this guy that I wish to talk to, but wrong timing, and whoops.
I understand people have moments that they wish to be alone, but be gentle about it, others are no your chew toy.
Okay, that was a selfish request, I take it back, but still, no one likes to be dealt with like that... Maybe except Masochist.

Butterflies

2010-09-14T16:45:00.001+08:00

I dreamt of a butterfly, but did I dreamt of being the butterfly, or I'm just a dream?

I looked up, there was only people going there and then, but they never looked back.
Just as I'm starting to get anxious, they looked back up and down, like a tailor's work.
What are they doing? I thought, looking down, and in my thoughts before they ventured away.
I could hear them whisper, but nobody made a sound.

I could always heard them screaming, and I would always looked down on my arms;
What would they do...? I would enquires, raging,
Words never stopped, I thought, once again, it will never work either way.
I would eventually lost, then they will spouts, What ...?

I would curved up in my bed every dusk, and consider how good it will be when I just slept there, but bruises off these silly every time.
Feeling empty, have you? Twitching eyes would look at the window, watch as time slips and flows, dashing into limelight.
While it stares into my soul, as empty as snow, waiting for Persephone to return back to the earth.
In the deep of night, I would woke up momentarily, and whisper, it's just another day...

I would take this as a dream, but is this a dream? Or for real?

Before the dusts settle

2010-09-09T17:08:00.001+08:00

I guess there's now less than 3 weeks now, huh?
Time goes by really fast, soon I'll be back to the familiar environment, or was familiar.
Now that I just got used to here, is it really the same?
Well, one thing for sure, I'll feel more free back there, within any restraints, action and friends, I will be free, for now anyway.
Sooner or later I will be back into something like this again, maybe more work and challenges ahead.
I think I kinda like it when I have something to do. So today's really entertaining.
But after you finishes all work they gave you in 2 hours, not so.
You can call me a masochist now.
Why, that's why I'm writing for this now, isn't it?
I don't like to have a moment that I'll be actually settled down,
Maybe that is why I'm so obsessed with gaming?
Sports is okay, I would like to have some, but you have to understand, I prefer playing alone, at most with few of my friends,
That's it, don't really like competitive game that everyone bitching about real game rules, those " Stop Having Fun Guys" "macho" guys.
This is street ball, sports is never invented to have competitions.
And well, I can't really merge in with these kids, swearing like no tomorrow, are they just learned these words like some days ago?
They do realized there are a playground for young children beside right? They maybe do have brawn (from a distance), but they definitely don't have the brains to back it up.
I think I pretty much covered the "Stop Having Fun Guys" and "macho" part.

Well, just had a conversation with my boss, she's really a pleasant kind, I think these kind of leader is hard to look for.
Pretty hot too, best of all the girls here, too bad, the good ones are ALWAYS occupied.
Well, now it's the last quarter already, seems my goal this year will not succeed after all.
Too much for that.

Just a short one, unlike yesterday, I do have work today. So yeah.

Another Day, Another Post

2010-09-06T16:53:00.000+08:00

Guess I could be childish as it can be.
I also don't know what's come over me, I think I just lost it,
Actually, I shouldn't be the one that says under pressure, I pretty much do nothing at all,
But why I would, someone that are proud of good emotion management, can just lost it suddenly?
Maybe, my ego is too big for me to hold, I've been keeping everything inside, so I won't show that I'm weak,
It's building up I guess, I've got to admit, I don't really have friends here,
They're just colleague that eat lunch with me together, nothing more than that really, maybe a bit of chit chat, but that's it.
We can't really talk on something well, I'm not the type that dig deeper into other's interest, just to get their favor.
A egocentric person that keeps everything to himself, huh?
You bet that describe me well, but I'm surprised for me, I'm actually thinking of apologizing,
Though it's nothing impressive, and god knows how she took it,
But I'm really glad, I dropped what my point of view always were, and able to view things differently, and realizing myself to be wrong.
I felt released.

I've been thinking lately, maybe I'm not cut out to be a, uh, modern human being?
Yeah, you can probably assume that word as a worthless human being, go ahead, laugh,
I can't really get used to doing my work, it's pretty much justified during my study days I guess.
People probably thought that I'm clever or stuff, judging from my usual behavior of NOT doing revisions properly, slack off, day and night gaming,
And still managed to get a satisfying result, when I'm in college anyway.
But before that, I had horrible results, especially in the secondary school, which I only barely got out of repeat a year situation.
This is my own assumption, maybe my way is that, I don't like to be imprisoned, I don't like being in a chore, that makes me lost interest, and eventually affect my performance.
Diploma days, I'm free to do anything that I want, got enough time for everything, and have a really free schedule,
You can say I like to do thing my own pace, I will somewhat irritated if my pace is disturbed though, I'm just that selfish bastard, another bonus for being childish.
Maybe that is why I chose doing business, sitting around all the time is definitely not for me, though Business Majors requires a lot of theoretical lectures,
I can endure them since it will useful when I went out for business someday.
I do realized that I can't just set up a business right off the bat after graduation, I must work to gain experience first.
Don't get me wrong, IBM is still a great company, and I absolutely feel joy working at a company like this,
But I guess this is not the department for me, it just so happens that this department needs people to help out, hence I'm here,
This department is pretty much Ninja Pirate Zombie Robot, everyone from every background that seemed no relation to the work at all,
I can see why during my 2 months of employment, there's already more than 5 people stopped working in this department, coincidence?
This is what happens when a department that deals mainly with human, but their bosses only look at figures, and assume their employees do not work enough,
They completely overlooked the fact that the department is deal with humans, not figures.
But I guess, it's pretty much all bosses do when they're up there?
I know it's difficult for them as well, but don't you think a meeting full of figures is kind of a buzz kill?
What's unbearable is a meeting that full of useless facts or something that will work if only they apply common sense in the first place.
If you're there you will be wondering, why they don't implementing that at the first place?
Well, RM 2800 worth of salary (For official employee, not interns), you'll almost sure to take a lot of crap anyway.

Another day passed while writing this, I guess my internship will end up, well, just here for internship.

2010-09-03T16:46:00.001+08:00

This is a joke, it's just a wild guess that spreads everywhere,
Assumptions and sorrows that seem to got along, with innocence and hatred to go along,
Respect does not go along with misunderstanding, distrust is just as disturbing,
I did not do wrong, I dare not concur, but accused of nothing, I accept no calm,
But what use of letting out now, no words can reconstruct now, that pitiful lie,
What are you to tell, if you don't even understand, and to construct that lie at the first place.

Nay, You don't understand, don't understand, misunderstood,
Aye, You've been accusing, have been accusing, accused.
Nigh, The truth is not, the truth is not, it's lie.

When thine ego was stroked, is it fun, is it fun, is it fun?
If the weak being burned, is it amusing, amusing, amusing?
Now thee burn in my place, will you laugh, will you laugh, will you laugh?

But nay, spoils are not something I should take, tis never mine, should be mindful, for I will never returns.

Love & Hate

2010-07-23T16:52:00.003+08:00

Now they wanna check whether if someone is browsing the internet in office hour,
I just thought, whether is it because of me? *laugh*
But well, I suppose at least read or write something is better than go Facebook is it?
(Finding dozen of reasons to cover up the fact that I slack off, read some wiki article and writing some blog on office hour.)
(Put your reasons here)
Yeah...I could probably stop this, but well, when you have nothing to do it's a kick,
I mean come on, just an hour after lunch break I pretty much done everything she told me to do,
I missed these data entry days, now following up payments is such a pain in the rear end.

Oh, did I just went into rant rant mode?
Hmm, maybe I should consider change the title of this blog into a rant blog, how does that sounds?
Even things like crap and rear end can published as a blog name
And actually got famous (I'm not looking or referring to you, in case you asked.),
So yeah, but I suppose it's pretty much everyone do in the Internet now... or maybe not.
Well, blog should be something for yourself, at least the definition for me is this,
Trying to get awards or attentions, is just not me, (Another reason to not write something epic.)
So yeah, I'll just write whatever I want, I should made this very clear ALREADY,
So you will probably start thinking that, "How old is this guy anyway?"
I just think that, whatever you do, do it for yourself.
It is true, that we can't live by our own all the time,
But we can't live for others forever, selfish or not, you're not them, they're not you.
Well, there are stubborn ones after all, maybe me myself is a stubborn one,
Like Facebook, yeah, I don't even have an account.
I'm quite a blasphemer, maybe for some person, no Facebook in this day and age?
Then I would say it to their face, What so fun about Facebook?
Retarded video? Identical games that gets old overtime? Suuuure... go ahead.
I'm not really Facebook hater but, kept getting answers like that,
From certain someone (Names were concealed to protect the innocent.).
Sure, get some new friends OVER the net, why don't you just go get some new and real friends?
Anyway, I think I'm going way far beyond the point at the first place.
This shouldn't be Facebook bashing post, maybe I'll stop right here.
My point is, well, it is really hard to persuade me something that I'm not really interested at all,
Just ask my friend, how many 'No' have proven his attempts to be fails?
Maybe I'm pretty much what they called a dick? Who knows, maybe I'm really am?
I have some tendency to well, just rub it on his face, just because he suggest something to me,
And ignorant for something that he recommended,
Okay, I'll admit, I'm a prick on a sandwich, with dick on top, with a side serving of shit.
Wait, I'm doing it wrong.

Moving right along, I could get used to this working environment after all.
Well you see, I need really long time to get along with people,
Seriously long, I not that anti-social but then, I wonder why?
I'll kinda nervous when something unexpected happens,
I guess that's why I can't easily get in conversations among other people,
Especially women, man, they are expert in talking, serious.
So yeah, makes you wonder how I got those girls in the past,
Huh, weird, are those even normal relationship?
Now I'm starting to doubt that, maybe I'm just imagining all by myself,
Maybe they don't see me in the same way I look at them?
I just think maybe, no one ever loved me before,
So I'm just a pathetic lifeless person that just trying to show off, am I?
Just got me thinking, since I brought that up,
Is love really love now?
Seeing how people suffer, how they broke up and made anew,
Is love really that cheap?
I mean, even you say that the older generation is just, well, simpler mind than we do now,
So they can last very long period of time.
And maybe you can say that because of love you must endure some of the shortcoming of your partner,
Are you really sure you are not making love into a obligation?
You know, something you must do and all, but is Love really all that?
Something to wank your hormones off?
Is it really like how overrated it is?
Oh don't worry, the above is probably just gibberish, you don't have to understand and all.
Well, I just type whatever on my mind, without rephrasing or whatever,
So it could be a bunch of nonsense.

... I guess this is not long enough,
But whatever.

Are there no one who read the previous one?

Rage & Curiosity

2010-07-20T15:36:00.007+08:00

Think I'm gone for good huh?
That's usually when I wrote something before I vanishes again (note the present tense).
Well, What do you know? Surprise Surprise.

Now that I'm finally get going and all that,
There's this one thing bothering me,
These generic questions.
I think I made it into a solid point in the last post,
Everything should be done in moderation,
Even your intention is good, or may not,
Or you probably just bored and try to start a conversation by saying something utterly,sorry for the word, stupid.
Come on guys, why would you ask something you already know or expected the answer already?
Still not clear enough? I'll give you a hint:" How's work?".
This question is just as ridicule as "How you doing today?".
I mean, what do you expect? What are your expected answers?
"Oh it's really good," that's a lie, I'm not a hypocrite,
"Man, it sucks," deal with it, that's why it's called work,
"So-so," yeah... that's the answer most people want isn't it?
But the conversation would probably freezed up because if the guy answered so-so will make it a little bit awkward.
"It's fun like being round-house kicked in the face everyday!"
I doubt any saint person will mumble something like that.
So I'm just curious, the people that'll or already asked these kind of question.
What do you want actually? Start a conversation with this idiotic-one-tracked-mind question?
And no, I don't like answering these questions,it actually invoke rage out of me,
Rage of the variety of "DON'T YOU HAVE SOMETHING BETTER TO SAY?"
Seriously, stop asking me these question,
Work is just work, for your information, I don't feel good or bad particularly,
So yeah, did that answered your question?
Or at least some certain people (Assuming they do read here) will know why I kept quiet when they asked about this.

Sigh*, rage aside,
It seems it doesn't matter how much I sleep,
I got tired either way, no matter the quantity.
But most of the time I restrait myself from going to bed any later than 11pm.
Like ignoring MSN messages, (Sorry Fleo, Raymond, or someone that ignored by me.)
Because well, I know I sure LOVES to sleep.
But when I wake up everyday somehow, I feel so tired.
Could it be my sleeping habits?
I have a tendancy to think before I can truly fall asleep.
Yeah, most of them is actually involved role-playing. (Time to write a novel. Bunch of stories stacking up in these thoughts.)
They say you should have a calm mind to have a quality sleep.
Hmm, quality is always over quantity, so maybe yeah,
Not exactly an case of insomnia like some of you may thought,
Like I said I LOVES sleeping, hell, a nap for me can take up to 3hours+,
Time when waking up?
Every time right before dinner, talk about psychic to predict when the dinner will be served.
Since my room is crawling full of electronic gadgets too, maybe the uh, electronic waves matters too?
Well as any young adults (if I can say so myself), my life would rarely leave a single moment out of these things,
Maybe it's just what they say "Technology are advancing, but willpower of people really are declining."
And it doesn't help when my job is facing the computer all the time, electronic waves from collegues too, anyone?
Also kudos to my own "Personal Clock" (I think Microsoft gonna sue someone),
I tends to wake up (only by half maybe, if you know what I mean) 1hours or some minutes left before the alarm ring time.
I usually try to sleep back, because I'm half awake and not bother to look at the time anyway,
Then tends to fall asleep only right before the alarm rings, so yeah...
Well I kinda know from the start my horoscope should be sloth, (Horse? WRONG)
But you can't really sleep on your office table right? Not that I don't do it in school or college before though...
Well now the money go sideways so it's... different.
Ironically speaking, I'm still typing this though I'm actually still in my business hour.
But well, Just feel like this is the only chance that I'll actually sit down and type something,
Don't expect me to sit in front my computer AGAIN after the office hour.

I noticed that some of my friends, bloggers too,
Tends to delete post that they wrote already.
Even you find it offensive after your rage, isn't that just cheating? To yourself, that is.
Even in my rage, I still rant about it in a post, and I never delete them.
If they/he/she made you all the rage, and that rage would eventually make you post a post about them,
Why hide it away? Why not just round-house kick them in the face?
Well, just an opinion, I know friendship is still important,
But seriously? Friendship like that? Hiding and stuff? M'kay.
Another curious issue is,why my comments are always being removed?
You know, it's kinda depressing...

And I still have not got that cake.

>Yes, enter?

2010-07-09T10:28:00.001+08:00

All of my wonders,
Probably just another ones',
It is nothing out of this world,
Could it be I'm just short of word?
I got born not because I chose to,
So maybe I would just die just like that too?
Imagine that one day I just gone,
There wouldn't be any mourn,
There could be some shredding tears,
But is it possible to embrace your grace?
Because I'm just a nobody,
Forgotten by everybody,
But would I shred a tear in condemn?
Do I ever have a care for them?
So I shall wait right here,
Even I know you won't be there,
Because I will know you wouldn't come,
And notice what I will become,
Because this had taken the toll on me.

2010-07-06T14:25:00.000+08:00

對象a
作詞：interface／作．編曲：inazawa
歌：anNina

翻译 by 鬼咒岚

あなたの亡骸(なきがら)に土(つち)をかける　　　　　用泥土埋葬你的尸体
それが禁(きん)じられていたとしても即使那已被禁止
純粋(じゅんすい)なまなざしの快楽(かいらく)には在纯洁眼眸的快乐中
隠(かく)しきれない誘惑(ゆうわく)があった有着无法彻底隐藏的诱惑

どうして罪(つみ)があるのだろう为什么会有罪恶
どうして罰(ばつ)があるのだろう为什么会有惩罚

骨(ほね)の尖(さき)はあまりにも白(しろ)く尸骨的一端太过白皙
無限(むげん)につづく闇(やみ)をさそった引出了无限延续的黑暗
何(なに)もかもがあざやかにみえて一切看上去如此明显
すぐに消(き)えてしまう却立刻就要消失

あなたの思(おも)い出(で)に鍵(かぎ)をかける用钥匙锁住你的回忆
それが損(そこ)なわれていたとしても即使那已被伤害
狂(くる)おしい愛情(あいじょう)の奧底(おくそこ)には在疯狂爱情的最深处
抑(おさ)えきれない衝動(しょうどう)があった有着无法完全抑止的冲动

かけらを拾(ひろ)い集(あつ)めながら一边拾起并整理着碎片
夢(ゆめ)の終(お)わりを待(ま)っていた一边等待这场梦的终结

罪(つみ)があるのは締(し)めているから有罪恶是因为一直束缚着
罰(ばつ)があるの求(もと)めすぎるから有惩罚是因为过分地追求
何(なに)もかもが置(お)き去(ざ)りにされて因为一切都被抛弃
まわる　まわりつづける所以徘徊，不停地徘徊着

朝(あさ)がくれば笑(わら)えるだろうか一觉醒来就能笑了吧
あの日(ひ)のように笑(わら)えるだろうか像那天一样地笑了吧
失(な)くしたものは何(なに)ひとつナイト失去的只是一个夜晚
願(ねが)う　願(ねが)いつづける祈求，不停地祈求

I will just leave it here.

Moar

2010-06-25T18:51:00.002+08:00

For some reason, I kept on hoping for some comments that I thought I would never got.
I know, I know, I shouldn't be longing for these things,
But well, I don't like the counter to be on this site, for I hate it for some reason,
I prefer keep it simple so yeah, I won't put things to keep track of visitors.
To think even got people still visiting here and actually left cookie, man, it's a blast.

Maybe I got over that period of time?
All these years, if you've been stalking my private life,
You know the type of girl that I like,
But nowadays, I don't feel like the need anymore,
Maybe I actually did get over them?
Or is it that I got over love?
Or, instead, I can't get over either or both of them?
Man, I really need to get laid,
I guess I can't get that comes true anytime soon huh?
Well I'm not the guy that goes for look,
Why I can't get any? Probably because of my attitude.
Hey, I can even hardly get friends, so I guess it's only natural.
Sure, I have a lot of reason not to actively pursue one,
But now I'm all calm down and have only myself,
It's really unbearable, it's just too quiet, I guess I just got nothing to do.
It's probably bad to get a girl this way just because I'm bored huh?

Maybe I just don't wanna got hurt anymore?

Maybe I should get more cake.

Keiki!

2010-06-22T19:45:00.003+08:00

Do you ever had a feeling that you are not needed?

Maybe I'm just tired of this, but I feel like,
These "friends" that we all seek for,
Will just drop you right there, after you have nothing better to be extracted,
Maybe I'm not what I thought what I am?
True, I am useless, I confess,
I mean come on, what can I do anyway?
I bet nobody knows, that I'm sure.
Well, I think there's not much of a value does come in handy,
They can't milk you when you're worthless, yes?
Not literally milking, mind you.

I wonder what's taking my company so long?
My parents are starting to nag everyday,
Seriously, seems like when you grow up you became even more unbearable,
You become somewhat, childish?
I think childish is not the word, since they don't even remember what it's like for being children,
Yes, they are no longer children, but they was once at least.
Even not standing on our point of view,
They should be aware of something:
If we keep stepping on their affairs they would also feel uncomfortable, yes?
Even with the best intention (the abused word: Caring), please, do it moderately.

Maybe I should get a cake.

Record breaker

2010-05-20T22:27:00.002+08:00

I guess writing isn't for charity, so writing only because I feel like it is fine.
I guess I'm making a record here, 2 months without blogging,
Though I have a record of having 4 years perhaps of abandoning a blog.
Well, let's challenge a 3 months straight shall we?

For this piece of pixel probably abandoned by all already for my inactivity,
Maybe I should take things a bit extreme,
Not like anyone would read and take it seriously anyway,
Or maybe they do, I don't care either way.
I'm starting to feel like, why the fuck they entrust things to me.
Even in a conversation, if I kept my silence they would all be silence as well,
That probably makes my college friend better as they seem to have endless resources of water to boot, you know the one.
But like, I'm quiet means that I'm mad and stuff?
So what am I, a lunatic hyperactive kid that just can't get down for a second?
A lot have changed, you don't know me, and I don't know you, simple and clean.
So basically, I am a filler, yes?
I don't question my place like some angry teenagers,
But seriously, what do you want from me?
I'm not the leader of the pack, I'm definitely not the head of a herd, if so I would have to take in all the female in the... never mind.
I know what you are planning okay?
You just waiting for me to initiate everything, it grew weary already.
And then when I'm trying to do something or start something,
There's the cue for the silent treatment.
Yes, I can take it, I won't just come over and rip everything off for nothing.
Not like I have anything to lose anymore,
So I'll be frank, I'm fucking hate doing this. Period.

Now that's a relieve, I guess the one that I mentioned, or the one thought ME mentioned them would have leave here for now,
or they really a masochist that love the beating, just like me,
or they can take it that will probably forgot about it the next morning, just like me.
Don't really care for whatever people that are still reading anyway,
Probably it is not of anything importance,
This blog is created to rant and screw things anyway,
So the people who find this offensive should have never follow or read this piece of pixel at the first place... I guess I said too much again, you can totally skip this paraphrase you know.
Or maybe you can stop reading now, it burns.
Where was I? Ah, ranting... that's all I do anyway isn't it?

Well, it happens suddenly. So this post was on hold for some times now.
My friend got into an accident, I mean friends,
Both of them are injured and the car's totaled pretty badly, the car is beyond repair.
I can't judge who's wrong and stuff, after all, hey, it's an accident,
If everyone know what's gonna happens next the world's peace.
Luckily both of them are only injured, not big deal there, I hope.
But seriously, they go blaming themselves too much,
Both claimed to be the core of that accident, I mean come on,
You guy's statement is not that strong to support yourselves either.
If your *statements* can be admitted, then I'm responsible too.
I said everyone will have at least once accident in their probability license to the driver.
That makes me responsible too? Nah, you guys just overreacted.
And don't worry, I drive pretty slow nowadays, and I don't want more paranoid people to sit in my car, not after what my mums did, seriously, one whole week already and still having lunch at home? Maybe I already became a hikikomori, now where's my blanket?

I'm having abnormalities in my bio clock, no big deal since I mentioned to some of those friends and families. I now seem to see a pattern already though.
It seems now my clock is set to have evening to be the sleeping hours, you know, where you normally sleep at night? Just imagine shifting it to evening.
Now if I sleep at midnight, my clock takes it as a nap, so I would wake up after 2-4hours.
So I would wake up at 4-8am everyday.
Example: I slept at almost 7am this morning, and woke up 9am sharp.
Hurray for my accurate bio clock, well, not ordinary wise.
I guess it's because I always slept too much in the evening,
Can't really blame me, evening is extremely boring as there's nothing to do.
But maybe you can, I usually sleep until it's time for dinner, even if I *nap* at 2pm, at least it was a nap, I would try today to nap only now, 5.32pm in my computer. So I think if I wanna catch warm dinner I better go now.

Expect another entry in 3 more months?

何処？

2010-03-19T01:22:00.002+08:00

It's really quite a lot of things happened along the way huh?
I haven't been able to bring myself to here,
I am not doing assignment at all,
But the due dates are close,
Again, it is guilt that engulfs me, not fear.
I wonder why I couldn't just finish it earlier?
It's not that hard to do them, but why I couldn't bring myself to do them?
Maybe it's all those games that sway me,
But can I should really blame them?
全部、自分の所為じゃないか？
I don't really know,
Maybe I should finally do it this weekend?
No, I must do it, my determination will fade every time my mind is somewhere else,
Can't I ever change?
But I'm sure, I will definitely change if you guys are here,
But where are you guys? Where..........?

P, written off.

2010-03-04T18:31:00.002+08:00

Yeah, though there's nothing really to be excited about or worth celebrating,
The probability period of my driving license is now officially over.
Wee, anyway, today's the last day so I have to renew it,
I still need to go school, and the guys that sadly, endured my driving knows that,
I drive fast, how do you expect for a guy that can't get laid release himself?
Off topic, anyway, since my fast and reckless driving never really caught any attention,
Today I saw the first police car in my two years of probability period.
Yeah... that's quite a bit extragerating.
Actually I met some on the go but I never see any police patrol that's, uh, "hunting".
I felt sadden that I actually have to use that word,
Because we know that our police here in Malaysia is so corrupted that it became a common sense.
Off topic again, anyway,
This particular police car drives slowly, waiting someone to quickly pass by, hopefully breaking some laws on the go,
On my last day of probability, seriously.
What I do is I looked behind if there's any car,
Then brake like hell, try to drop to 60km/h,
The patrol braked too, maybe he want to check my speed or something,
But well, he would soon be disappointed,
Then maybe out of uneasiness that they can't caught this "big fish",
Yes, I carried RM100+ at that moment,
They speed away beside me when I'm making a turn to the other street.
One hell of a police eh?
Sorry I can't remember the license plate.

I'm just wondering, what is the usage of the tutorial class anyway?
You just go for one hour and a half, and you basically just revise things that were taught, already.
I mean, why even bother?
It's all full coursework anyway. Revision?
Maybe the lecturers in my university do it wrong or something,
How I wish Malaysia culture is different, and how everyone can speak up,
At least at the class? It's quite awkward that the lecturers are not getting any respond on the floor, or response that are frankly, zombie-ed.
And the retards that, I wonder, why even bother to come to classes if they don't want to anyway?
They make noises and say something that's not even funny,
But they find it rather amusing nevertheless, I guess,
It's really disturbing, I am too, have no interest on the lecture,
But keep your jokes to yourselves, because it isn't even funny.

Assignments are coming, damn it is.

Mind break

2010-03-03T17:39:00.001+08:00

Open the window there's nothing there,
Turn on the lights there's no lights on the floor,
Indulged in darkness but it's you that I see,
Barely yet so crystal clear,
You're just there, as always,
But you never looked back.

Open another window,
Another field blossomed,
Turn off the lights,
And those solitude would driff off,
But I'm fear of the unknown,
It's difficult to lose this window.

Monthly basis?

2010-03-02T21:42:00.004+08:00

It's already another month... again.
I guess it's just me,
Everything I do, the ethuiasm will fade eventually, and inevitably died out.

What am I thinking, even bother to come back to write this,
Why, that is pretty random.
I don't think I should explain everything I'm trying to write something here,
It's just a handful of people will read this junk anyway.
Listen to my ranting, I just took about 5 minutes of your time (depending on your reading speed),
What the heck, let's go to topic, shall we?

I guess I'm pretty lucky, the degree have lots of girls,
Not that it's a quality deal, it's more like quantity,
You got to keep in mind that during my diploma days it doesn't even have ONE girl in the class,
Maybe except the occasionally Malay girls.
Got one that caught my mind, a China girl.
I know I know, go for it, right?
Well friends that know me enough will know that I don't like choosing girls that are pretty,
Not that I hate them, I'm just much prefer girls with good personality,
Good personality as in personality I like, not your average goodie-two-shoes,
In fact, you may even hate that personality in a girl,
Well, maybe I'm a M.
She is quite pretty, personalities will have to find out, I haven't approach her anyway.
I need to get laid!
That was my new year wish,
It's already 3rd month and I'm still sitting here doing nothing,
Not that I'm desperate, but maybe I should get more aggresive?

Hope I don't update only on april?

Limit breaker

2010-02-09T19:26:00.002+08:00

It's roughly about a month before my last update, though it's really many things happened in these past few weeks, I just couldn't find the right mood typing out, I'm just been busy, or lazy.

So what happened?
Oh nothing, just went to Taiwan on previous two weeks.
Fun? Maybe, it's hell lot of walking but I guess it's worthwhile,
At least, you don't need to sit and sleep at the bus all day.
And yes me and my family are free walking, hell,
The amount of walk is about as many as a year and a half amount of walking in my life,
Yes, I usually drive along and never really walked that much since I got the license.
Now I don't know what I should feel,
Because I didn't sleep the whole day when we're taking the plane,
We board the plane at uh, 10am?
Then I sleep for about 2 hours and completely woke up,
Another 2 hours I have been annoyed by some kid who think she's cute when crying,
She faked cries A LOT.
But well, I'm not really tired even though I only slept for 2 hours.
What happened to my biological clock? That is the sad part.
I can stay awake, even as tired as I may look. This is the good part.

We mostly went for some night markets,
And I suddenly felt that theirs are way more cleaner than ours,
Only more CROWDED, and it seems the people there loves to queue, A LOT.
I guess the only fun for this whole trip is for my mum and sis ONLY.
They got to buy a lot of clothes, well what about me?
Nothing really in interest, but at least I bought some CD.
But seriously, basically we just walk around, buying clothes, eating, buy foods, and walk like crazy,
Though, it can be a great experience, at least I'm out there and not here,
Sitting around and wasting my youth on a screen.
I really should get laid.

After we went back, things aren't really according to schedule,
There's been a lot of things happened,
Firstly, the air tickets, it is wrongly dated, making the tickets invalid,
Lucky me, it's my ticket. Maybe we should have written down the numbers for lottery.
Well I don't really blame my sis, I happened to make that mistake a lot too,
But you really can't escape the wrath of my mum,
But at least we can return at the same flight, what's more to be said?
Is wasting money way more serious than not being about to return?
How she thinks really beats me, I'm really glad I'm raised by my grandmother.

It's not even 2 days after that incident, my dad fell, from a aluminum ladder,
When he's trying to adjust the position of a lantern,
It's really quite serious, my mum said his face went pale and was screaming for help,
Where were me? Napping, I hate myself.
He still haven't got that X-ray scan I think,
But I really think he should, just for safe.
Well, just hope for the best, though he's rejuvenating he still need to take care of himself.
The day when he fell, even when he's sitting down, He feels painful and somehow difficult to seat himself, It's not really a good sight when he lets out a sigh when sitting due to pain.

These things are quite minor, somehow.
My grandfather, at my father's side, passed away in a car accident.
It's so sudden, though I can't really feel much for him,
I didn't even see him that much, probably only once per year due to new year,
And We probably never really talk to each other, even once.
I guess that's the Too tradition, like my dad's silence treatment.
It's inevitable, it's in our blood veins.
Well, as Chinese, we have to held memorial and stuff,
A lot of squatting and chanting, how fun, especially after all that walking from Taiwan.
Well I guess at least I got to meet with the my little sisters,
It's really rare to see them unless some occasions like this, sadly.
I guess when we grew bigger, we tends to keep to ourselves huh?
But Chinese is really a interesting race,
When our relative dies we collect money for 白金,
And when we're doing ceremony and stuff,
Beside wishing him or her to rest in peace,
We also asked them to bless us with wealth and health,
Really, it all come down to money huh? *laugh*

I will tell you more about my studies next time, stay tuned!

Just another day

2010-01-11T22:32:00.003+08:00

Well I guess it's finally time for an update,
This place is so deserted for the past few weeks,
Just wanna make sure you guys know that I'm well and alive,
Physically speaking anyway.

These... holidays is just too boring,
Basically nothing to do except sitting here and there,
Well I did have games to play,
But that didn't make me feel like productive,
It makes me feels,"So what?" for the achievements in game,
Yeah, so what if your power-leveling is working now?
What if you got super special awesome cards in a children card game?*reference reference*
Anyway, I just feel like have to do something about it,
Let's see, maybe a gathering would be nice,
It's been awhile since I see another person, beside my family.

Maybe I should have known for sometimes ago,
But really, everyone read things so differently,
Well, everyone's mind and environment is different,
That generates different conclusions and stuff,
It is just my state of mind as of that day when I'm writing these poems,
Like one of my favored villain said, "Why so serious?"
I don't know,
Maybe I stepped into something that isn't supposed to be stepped in,
A forbidden line made of glass.

Peace out.

What we see

2009-12-31T04:34:00.003+08:00

Did you notice? My precious?
There's always something in front of us,
But do you know?
We always see things coming from our own mind,
We are just slaves to our mind,
We are nothing compared to what's inside.

But now do you see?
We see things together yet so distance,
We hear things yet encode only to yours truly,
We touch things and laughed at things we came out,
But in the end, we share the same things.

I don't know why it came to you,
I don't understand why you use it to judge me,
But I will see it through like I always do,
Because I am always there, reaching my hands to the far side.
I screamed out, pity it is not,
But there will be no response, because there's nobody there.
I'm standing on a cliff, stretching my hand to the empty sea.

How I remember the sea was black, can you see?
How I remember the land was dry, can you decrypt?
Maybe yes, because we see the same things.
But do you know sea is ever changing?
Do you know the land is flourished?
Probably, because our minds make us Hume.

Mercy

2009-12-28T21:06:00.002+08:00

Please have mercy on him,
For he doesn't know how,
He doesn't know what,
But at least he is straight,
Painful and piercing but straight from his heart,
He is not afraid of showing what's what,
He doesn't mean it but damages is done,
It will never be the same for us,
But we will stay true, at least I know how he sees of me.

Please have mercy on my friends,
Cleanse their plagues from their mind,
Purge whatever darkness generates from their mind,
Because they don't know how,
They don't know what,
Though they already knew what's the answer,
They just like throwing the keys to the sea,
Forever oblivious in darkness reflected from their own light,
Finding meanings in void to ease their mind,
But did they knew?
They knew all along, that they are seeking something in nothing.

Do you enjoy dwelling in it?
In the shadow of all you lights,
Ignorance to stretch your hand out,
Mocking on your own lights,
Throwing yourself into a narrow and closed space,
Is it really fun to be a victim?
You really like acting,
You like acting you're the only one that suffers,
Like only you understand yourself better,
You just reveal all but you reveal none,
A false pretense,
Now I know what your lights are,
Your lights are your ego that reflected a huge shadow,
Maybe it is really chilling behind your ego?

Getaway

2009-12-26T18:09:00.002+08:00

I was away from here for 3 days,
I went to Kampar,
Well at least one part of it,
We didn't really walked around because of me, maybe.
But it sure made me feel like, how good is it to have a car.

But I guess I'm not really a touring person,
I'm too easily get tired, maybe because of my living habits here,
Man, I should change how I lived now,
Because it sucks that you became practically a vampire,
Living only for the night,
Totally blur and without direction,
Just like a mindless ghoul,
But I slept 6am today, for no reason, just because I don't want to.

I guess without them, I can't find something to do myself?
This week it's always them, or it's just them?
I really need a rest, but 5 days later I'll have to meet up with them again.
I think it's not tiring to do so, but don't you think we meet a bit too much?*laugh*
Don't misunderstands my words,
It's not like I don't wanna hang out with you guys,
Maybe just because I'm lazy, yeah, in this kind of way.
But who am I that are talking, I did have a little bit of anticipation.

Christmas eve, parents not home,
Normally it would be a good day,
But I'm kinda of a dilemma situation here,
One side is of my best friends, the other, my childhood friends.
Of course I chose my best friends, because I promised them for a gathering,
Though not so since MOST of the participant already met for 3 days straight in Kampar *laugh*.
But Sherlock Holmes is a great movie, everyone should watch it,
For the laugh out loud parts at least.

I need to go out for dinner now, I'll update maybe later again.
Stay tuned. Peace out.

嘘臭い

2009-12-18T01:25:00.002+08:00

It really is one heck of a day.
Don't really know why, there are some chains of events happens today.
But what do I get for the end of the day?
Nothing but more words that pierces the wary heart.

I'll start by the beginning of the day,
I took the most lousy train in all of Malaysia (go figure, K company),
I was supposed to gather with my friends,
After I entered I found that the train that I wanted is right in front of me,
But when I got there it's already gone,
So I have to wait ANOTHER 15minutes for the next train,
While my friends are already there at the gathering point.
That is not important I guess,
But the frustrating part is the passengers,
Sometimes I really feel like I'm in a country of savages,
Brute and no civilization,
The first few Chinese girls came in, and go to the back,
And guess what? They talk as if they gonna talk their lungs out.
Don't they feel they are disturbing the others?
I guess that can be tolerated, until another Malay woman shown up.
Despite there are many empty spaces, she have to stand beside the door of the train,
Ignoring the fact that there are still people entering and she's blocking them,
And she rather let THEM to stack up at the door and make jamming,
How civilized we are, proud to be a Malaysian, anyone?

Then after I arrived at the monorail, the same problem surface,
The only way to go up to the platform is via escalator,
And it is common sense that we do not block the way the people's coming up,
But they BLOCK it too, rather than moving closer to the crowd,
I know there's many people at the front, but can't you guys just stand more up front?

Well I guess the torture ends when I arrived,
Had some good times with friends,
Avatar turns out to be less suck than of my anticipation,
And we basically 'toured' the whole KL already,
Good fun and all,
And I thought the chain of events ended after we said goodbyes.

After reaching KL central,
Took the lousy train again,
But this time, I took the wrong train,
I don't think this is their fault,
But I took the train to another location,
Which I have to wait another half an hour for it to start moving,
And another 30minutes to finally reached the station to home,
Dad was still OKAY that time around,
We still have some chat which is considered rare to none,
I really thought that, it's not that bad yet.

I napped for awhile since I went out the whole day,
When I woke up like usual I just online and chatting with friends,
Then my sister asked me to borrow my web cam to her,
So I told her that mum is giving me permit to buy a new computer,
She said we can do it today since it's a public holiday,
She wanna go to survey or maybe even get herself a new laptop too.
I thought this plan is not bad, so I went down to tell my mum about it.
Then my dad suddenly starts to yell at me,
He never say any objections until now, he just yells,
He can't even provide some valid reasons, he just scream that
" YOU BETTER DON'T BUY IT I TELL YOU!"
Now what is the situation? Three kingdoms theory?
Me who only want a mid level desktop,
Mum that said 'okay',
And dad that suddenly said 'no'?
But really, I don't really suspect that dad will do something like that to me.
I don't really care how they broke promises, they always do,
But WHY DO YOU YELLED AT ME?
I'm just have the idea of buying,
You could have just tell me rationally,
WHY do you HAVE TO YELL?
Is there NO BETTER WAY?
Or I'm just some small kids that you think YELLING WILL SCARE ME?
NO, I'm crying now because not that I'm scared of you,
NOT that I'm disappointed that I can't get a desktop,
IS I COMPLETELY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU AND YOUR DAMN ROTTEN LIES.
I always thought that you are the one, although always kept silent,
The one that cares about me most even you even says a word,
BUT YOU JUST YELLED AT ME,
Why would you do that?
Don't you know when someone that you love most hurts you,
It is going to be FUCKING HURT AS HELL?
Can't you say it softly and tell me what's the problem?
I always loved you, I really do, but why,
You were the only person I look up to after grandma passed away,
I always look up to you for your ways of dealing things,
I REALLY LOVED YOU, but what are you doing to me?
How can I still love you?
Where are the only hope that I still clings into?
The only light that I stupidly thought it's my safe haven?
At least where I can rest peacefully because you're the pillar to this home?
Why of all the people, have to be you?

Rains of sorrow

2009-12-14T16:38:00.002+08:00

I don't know why, the usual me should be sleeping at this time of the day.
I don't know why I woke up at a fine weather too, it's raining.
I have a love-hate relationship with raining,
It is very often raining when I'm feeling down,
But it is very comfortable because it is so cold and dark,
For some reason I took a liking for the dark,
Maybe because I stay up for too long,
Or because I only stay at my room for so long?

Only one subject left in Wednesday,
The most challenging subject I guess,
I did the 3 subject okay I think,
There are no questions I can't finish completely,
As in some sub question contained inside the question.
Classmates really helped in today's paper,
All he said came out in the exam, kudos to him and me,
I am able to answer because of him,
But he is going to UK in the next year,
Means I lost one heck of a support huh?
But all the best with him, I want him to know he's a blessing to be here.

Sometimes, I have this feeling of melancholy,
When I see what happened recently, only from different perspective,
Different point of view, I figured something,
Or should I say I found something.
That time, when I emotionally broke down,
These friends, maybe just out of pity,
They just say that I can find them next time when I'm feeling down,
Like they will too likewise.
But when something really happened,
Sorry for humans are all selfish and realistic animals during this era,
Especially this time of day,
They all resort to complete lock down,
Resort to complete silence, they won't even break a sweat.
Resort to isolation, they won't even response you like usual.
With you guys like this, I'm starting to think,
Where should I lay when I'm really feeling down next time?
True, you are the one that hurt most because I'm just a spectator,
But that doesn't make you the one that hurts the most in the world,
You're just putting yourself way too high,
This world doesn't spin on you,
But the one around you are,
How can you forget everyone around you?
How can you ignore me? Even when I'm in time of need of you guys?
Where are you? Who are you now?

Ah, I think tears are running again,
As I thought, whenever there's raining,
There's always something misfortune happens,
This love-hate relationship still sustain itself naturally I guess.

Peace out.

First week ends

2009-12-10T17:03:00.002+08:00

Can't really said I'm pressured or something, but it is finally over,
The honeymoon for this semester's exams,
Because next week's going to be hell.

Can't say I do well in this semester's exams,
But I think I do it like how I did the previous the exams,
Making things up.
Well, I don't know if they make senses or not,
At least I tried to fill the whole paper up.
I guess I need to beware of next week's papers, it is more hectic than this.
Promotional Management and Operational Management.
Both management theories, heck, all subjects this semester IS theories anyway.
It's quite ironic that the guy that dreams to start a business, and took Diploma in Business Administration as his major, would rant on management theories eh?
But still, this semester's lecturer are really brilliant (spell sarcasm).
I admit I slack off very much in this semester,
I didn't even listen to lectures anymore,
But the lecturers should at least make the lecturer enjoyable right?
It seems the only qualification for teachers or lecturers are only their CERTIFICATE, mere papers, they do not focus on their LECTURING METHOD, which is basically WHAT THEY DO.
What a wonderful world.

I'm not a guy that can sit still,
I think I always tell people that,
I gets really bored very fast,
With now no more late night gaming anymore with friends,
"It makes me feel really boring."
Maybe that's what I want myself to say.
But in reality,
I felt fear, because I don't even know what to do,
Or what I should do,
Or maybe, what am I doing?
Revision? Is that a joke?
Watch anime? Can't sit still.
Play games? I can't sit still and I prefer to play games with friends.
This kind of life is scaring me, life of doing nothing at all,
Like a living zombie, that has no mind of my own.

閑...

It begins later today

2009-12-08T01:10:00.003+08:00

I think I shouldn't be still sitting around to be writing this,
But I guess I can't really fall asleep yet,
And still playing games made me guilty for some reason,
So I guess the best way to spend time,
Or maybe get some pieces of my mind out of the way before it really happened.

Well today is the day, nervous? Maybe.
I don't understand why, every time when it's finally time for the exam,
I will not feel like the others, nervous and stuff,
Rather, I feel excited, excited because it's finally coming to an end.
I know there are people that think I am just showing,
Because I'm good even not studying and stuff like that,
It's intimating, but I guess I can't blame them, I shouldn't be doing this after all,
It's abnormal, peculiar for them.
But why do you feel nervous, fear, for something that's gonna happens anyway no matter whatever things you do?
Rather, face it with anticipation, accepting it is much better, right?
Well, just my opinion, I guess everyone have their way of dealing things.
Revision? Barely did it, I guess I'm not really an independent person after all,
I will have to rely on my friend again,
Sorry for the trouble okay? IF you read this blog anyway.

Actually, the whole reason that I wrote this, is because of the previous entry.
I'm sorry guys, maybe I made some of you worried,
I was in a worst mood, because they are many things that aren't going smoothly.
Do you guys understand what I meant by illusions?
I'll explain anyway, because I think you guys need some explanations.
I was always a crybaby, I'll cry on everything on my childhood,
I'll cry because something isn't like what I wanted,
I'll cry because something bad happened,
I'll cry because I'm gonna get punished by some wrongdoings I did.
My friend said, it is because I weighted everything too heavily,
That is why I'll cry easily, even for small things.
I think it really is the case, I'm the one that thinks a lot,
Usually ended in the worst way possible, or what you'll call worst case scenario.
That is the reason why I cry so hard, maybe.
I guess that's the reason I created this illusion,
This unreal, not genuine, fake one's self,
That looks strong, cheerful, happy-go-lucky,
To cover my weak and depressing self.
I thought this were the best,
This illusion brought me many things,
Friends, for obvious reason, no one likes a emo guy.
Easy life, because I didn't think that much anymore,
But I never thought this will backfire,
Like a shadow that's waiting to bite you from behind,
It's just waiting for its chance.
I really snapped, when he threw these cold words on me,
I feel like, all illusions that built up until now had collapsed.
I don't know what to do at all,
But I acted like nothing happened, I really hate myself for this one.

For guys that are worried about me,
Don't be, because I'm the type that thinks a lot, right?
I guess I have found the answer, the cure.
Human is a funny being, they never notice something easy when they are caught within it, even it's just nearby and reachable.
What if all of it are just illusion?
You're the real deal, right?
The real you still have to face the world, right?
Crying over a spilled milk, the world will not stopped and look at you, right?
For this, I would like to say, thank you,
Thank you to all my friends,
Because you guys, are not illusion, you guys are my precious.
You guys are the hands that stretch their hands to me,
I always knew that, right?

ありがとうございます

Breaking point: 3 days

2009-12-06T01:15:00.003+08:00

There are still 3 days before my exam, including the exam that day.
I think I will mostly go there earlier, because I know I won't read at home.
Sadly enough, I still doesn't pick up the mood to do revision,
Or you should say, STUDYING, because I never pay attention to the classes,
I think this is it for me, the real test is ahead,
And what am I doing now? Still blogging and maybe gaming later.
Can't really say blame anyone for this like some angry kid,
I guess maybe that's just my nature, but why I am like this?
For once, I think to myself, why you do things like this?
That instance, I think because I won't grieve over something until it's gone,
I won't cherish anything before it is forever out of reach,
My heart aches, but even after trampled, stomped, slashed, impaled,
My heart's still there, standing strong for the past, just because I had some good results,
I'm always the person that doesn't care about result,
But maybe that's what I want others to believe, I want my heart to believe,
I want me to believe I don't really care,
I think, that's maybe a good thing,
That made me strong, made me not to cry, not to cry anymore, not to cry easily.
But so what of it? Now everything's falling apart, because of this illusion.

I told one of my friend, most precious one at that,
That what I fear most, is when all these illusions,
All that I made up, all that I thought I needed to fill this hole,
Suddenly, all disappeared into thin air, tell me straight to face,
It's gone, it's all gone, it's just an illusion,
An illusion that's so kind,
An illusion that's emits lights when I need them,
But they are all taken away, no more illumination.

But then, on a second thought,
I knew that all along right?
I knew all these are illusions right?
I knew heading towards these lights,
I'm just playing with fire, and I'm gonna get burned.
Like a shadow that will leap out of its corner and take you anytime,
You will not seek comfort there, nor warm, nor real kindness.
I knew it, all these sugar coated things, all along.

And now, it's all coming, one at the time,
All collapsed, there are no more kindness, remorse, or sanity left,
But why, why am I still standing on a shaky ground like that?
Why I am still standing there?

This is not a poem, nor some pretty words to confuse people,
This is a true confession, from a dying heart,
But all this heart seeks, is just a little comfort, not ignorance.
All this insanity, only need someone to talk to,
This spark of insanity, who's gonna stretch their hands to me?
But here I am, standing on the breaking point of this illusion,
I'm not okay.

5 days before apocalypse

2009-12-03T13:51:00.004+08:00

Have been lazy nowadays, I kept sleeping the whole day off even though next week is the beginning of my examinations, maybe I should put some efforts into it but, I only feel nervous but no urges at all to finally revise, what has made me this way?

Anyway, there's quite a lot of things happened.
I was talking about a friend from previous post right?
I guess I'm really a worst friend, I found out I understand nothing after all,
His feelings, his actions,
But why do I feel it that way now?
Maybe, I have never got used to,
What they called 'attached' to someone else, no perv minds he's a guy. *laugh*
When you attached to them you starts to notice every single little things around he/she,
Which you never notices them before, or doesn't even care at the first place.
How do I feel this way, well, I don't really know,
Maybe I want to find out more about him?
But I know he's the kind of guy that keep everything inside,
I knew all along, but I still want to try exploring,
Maybe that is why I'm not really a understanding friend?

Okay, maybe the previous paragraph will make you think I'm a homo *laugh*.
Now let's talk about girls.
Well, apparently there's 2 girls among my secondary school friends had misunderstanding between them, their relationship had frozen up.
I think I roughly know what's going on,
And I guess I'm not really in the place for consult these two,
But if you two actually read this until here, can you hear me out?
Yes, there have been some misunderstanding, and maybe you guys did threw in some bitter words that are hard to chew,
But you know?
The whole quarrel thing can only be started by same type of people?
Because different type of people will never conflict with each other and burn,
Like arguing with ice, like throwing ice to fire, it is fruitless.
But, I don't know whether it's fortunately or unfortunately,
I have had ages never had serious talking to a girl beside my family,
Because of this incident at least I can had some talk with the girls.
Well, there's only guys around me recently,
Go for drink, play games together, it's all guys,
Quite sad now that I mentioned it,
凄く寂しい...
I wonder sometimes, are there even hope for someone like me?
Girls, are you single? *laugh*

Day and Night

2009-11-23T23:42:00.002+08:00

Nobody's leaving a comment for my last post,
Sad sad...
I thought I made it quite direct and easy to understand? *laugh*
Well it doesn't matters anyway,
Writing them poems are only way to relive my waving emotions, or what's really on my mind,
Just like the purpose of this blog.

I felt very left out today, but what do you expect for going out with a rather large group?
Today was, maybe I should say yesterday because it's gonna be 12 by the time I finish writing this entry but what the hell, where was I?
Oh yes, yesterday was my friend's birthday, Happy Birthday Kar Meang!
Because it's a large group, sometimes they talked in groups, and seems that I can't really mix well in the conversation they are having, maybe, I should really register for a Face book account?
But social networks, I wonder what wonders do it offers that make all so addictive to it?
I don't think the so called 'reasons' to join Face book is acceptable,
For example, flash games, They say it is fun, but I saw some and it is all very generic.
Well I guess I'm just having bias on these networks?
I also don't know why I hate these things, maybe because I'm not, 'sociable'? *laugh*

But when it's night, I can talk and talk with my secondary friends even in not face to face contact,
just via msn we can talked for hours, compared to people face to face?
Maybe, as I thought, the only ones that I can open my heart to is, only them?
I talked many things with one of them, my secondary school friends,
We can basically talked about anything, how often you got a friend that,
Can talk about anything to your hearts content, without restriction?
You don't need fake your feelings, you don't need to think pretty words for them,
You can just talk your lungs out, without decorating your words with hypocritical words?

Peace out.

Lifes

2009-11-20T15:27:00.002+08:00

Living in the sanctuary,
where all the lights are nothing but norms.
The sanctuary envied by all,
but they understand all of nothing.
There are sufferings to remain glittering,
'Pride', 'Greed', and 'Staring of the others'.

Living in the bottomless,
where all the darkness, are nothing but norms.
The shelter from the other world loved by all,
but they understand little to nothing.
There are prices to stay sheltered,
'Emotions', 'Connections', and 'Solitude'.

Living in the twilight,
where all the struggles are nothing but norms,
The struggle to chase over a small glimpse of light,
The struggle to get over a small pit of shadow,
But they struggled for nothing in the end,
For they understand non.

The greater the lights are,
The greater the shadows are.
There are no lights too bright,
Nor there are darkness too blinding.
There are only minds that dwells in them, minds that wished to stay,
Or minds that keep the others to.
Never to capture the truth, artificial and illusions they are achieving.

Solitute

2009-11-15T03:27:00.005+08:00

I was not paying attention to my friend's blog updates and only read them until now.
Honestly, I was shocked that he is troubled, and he did not even tell me anything.
Maybe he is the kind of guy that does not want to make others worry,
But if you are reading this, Yee Han,
I can tell you that it's wrong.

It is not that you make people worry about by expressing how you feel,
As friends we will only worry about how can we help you,
You do not need to confine everything yourself, 你不累吗？
You're only making us more worried, do you even understand that?
Of course, in your heart inside, even not intentionally, you will think that,
'What are your place to talk?'
I will reply without doubt, 'Isn't this what's friends for?'

Sure, this world can rot in hell as I care,
But, in this world I believe, there are still paradise.
Of course,humans will not satisfied even they had the precious thing in the world, their lives,
But still, There are still a glittering light glowing in the darkness waiting to be found, the hope.
Obviously, we all want to protect our most precious treasures,
Whether it be friends, family, or even materialistic items,
Still, the harder you push, the further they will go away,
Left you in loneliness, solitude, and the now unneeded power that were suppose to protect them.

Inspired from his posts, and my responses to them, some thoughts please. =)

Peace out.

Photos

2009-11-09T00:15:00.004+08:00

PHOTO SECTION! Isn't it fun?

Since you guys probably got bored of front view of my reverse parking skill, now it comes with a rear view.

These two idiots, even there's many free parking lots, they still want to park in front of my car, damn them!

They really shouldn't left this open, it stinks! The employee that walk inside it later saw me took this picture. *laughs*
And yes, this is one of the few family activities that got revived, shopping!

You ask and you shall received?

2009-11-08T21:57:00.003+08:00

Sorry guys, have been in heavy pressure because of my coursework,
Well everything turned out fine, but one of them is fully self opinion,
I wonder if that's alright?
I mean come on, how you gonna find out why the person in the case are so motivated to work in a text book anyway?

Wonder why is the title was like that?
Remember one of the previous post I said about my family?
Well, like instantly after that post, there's an increase in the family activities.
The living room was never so lively before, there's improvement going on.
Another case is that, just when I thought why one of my friends have not online for quite a while already,
The moment I wake up from that nap, he is online!
Another wish that I have that time is we have no hang out together for a long time.
I even asked the other friend when we gonna go out together again,
The next day the friend that just online after long 'disappearance',
Says that he will be back here soon.

I was never had lucks for the previous days, many things happened before,
All are too depressing to even think about it,
But it seems that, my luck is changing in a good way.
I guess I should be happy for what it already is and stop wishing so much, eh?

I have a lot of pictures so I guess I will make it in another post *laugh*

Peace out.

Raindrops

2009-10-29T10:52:00.000+08:00

Something happened last evening.
I couldn't bear to write about it out of guilt,
But now I think I can tell you all this.
Well, I have nothing better to do as well,
Now that I have stucked at the lab anyway.

Beginning of all this should start the day before yesterday.
I was the one that ask him to bring the laptop to the college so we can start on working on coursework.
Then he brought it as I requested, but I was not even aware of it at all the whole first part of the class before break.
In fact, I wasn't even aware that he puts it into his bag and leave it there at class.
What's worse it was me who sit beside him.
When the lecturer told us to have a break,
He left thought that I will watch over his bag.
But I didn't, I didn't even know the bag is there or not the moment I stepped out of the class.
When we noticed the disappearance of the bag,
It's already too late,
The whole bag, including the laptop and the thumb drive, it's all lost.
As we don't even know when did it disappeared,
It is all futile attempt to retrieve them.
I know, but I still want to have faith,
I'm thinking about remorse, for it was partly my fault.
Even he said "it's ok,", it does not cure my waving guilt.
The bag is still not recovered.

The rains dropped like usual,
Like it always was,
When I'm in time of despair,
It's always raining when these times arise,
Are they showing me pity? Or out of mockery?

Peace out.

Midnight Sonata

2009-10-26T05:17:00.002+08:00

Ha, this update is quite unexpected, eh?

It's 5.27am when I'm writing this entry,
Hmm, it's not like I can't sleep or anything.
I just don't feel like sleeping at the moment, maybe too much gaming?
Well now that I got the mood to write,
I might as well writing down what I'm thinking at the moment for now.

I went out with my friends at Saturday,
Well, it's a basic routine of eating, chatting, and playing,
But I feel like never gonna get bored of this.
Maybe the main attraction of this trip is not the activities,
It's friends that I prosper.
How long we have been doing this?
Beats me, but it's like every weekends if one of my friends come back from Kampar,
We will definitely go for something together.
My first time eating Carls Jr. by the way,
My impression of it is high since two of my friends kept talking uh, how great it is,
I tried and think well, it live up to my expectation,
The foods are nice, and the portion is better than McD, A LOT. (In your face, Serge.)
I would like to eat it again, anyone wants to accompany me? *drools*

Saw one of my sister's old posts,
I feel like she's telling the truth,
Living in a smaller house is better than living in isolation,
When we have a smaller house,
We, at least our parents and my sister and I, will always at the living room,
Even just watching TV together, or just having fruits together.
But now that we have our own spaces, myself got a room for myself,
These scenes became extremely nostalgic,
I wonder, since we moved here,
How many times do we actually all sit down together in the living room?
You will say, " How many people wish to have a house as big as you are,"
I will tell them, " If I can exchange my precious time with my family, I can give you anything,"
Family means a lot to me, but it seems they do not understand what I feel.
They only spoil us and think it's good for us,
That is fine but, hey, why don't you guys give us some time, so we can spend them together?
This reminds me too, we have no family days for way too long.
I wish the question of, " Are we breaking apart?" will never surface in my mind,
But if it isn't, we are surely drifting away, each to our owns ground,
Setting an unseen fort that just build of nothing but emptiness.
Do families do that?

Well, I'm not really in the place to talk,
I would always stick to my room and playing games,
But you can't blame me, I am never into TV programs,
I can't sit down for too long, I will get bored very easily.
Well, maybe its all just reasons to you,
But I can tell you this, I am trying,
Every midnight I went down for supper routinely,
But I'm not really hungry actually,
Just thought to go down to breath some fresh airs,
Being in a my room too long I will have this, self pity feelings,
I feels like I'm completely isolated,
Loneliness, seems to be the magic word, I hate to be alone.

It's 6am when I'm writing this sentence, I think I should go to bed now,
I will try update again ASAP =)

Peace out.

Windows

2009-10-21T17:13:00.003+08:00

Sitting in my room casually,
But I know something's not as usual.
There's a bird coming through my window,
Saying," You are not free though,"
" As your cloudy vision clouds your window,"

Wander the streets casually,
But the eyes were staring strangely.
The bird comes through the window,
Saying," You are not free though,"
"Your limited view shrinks your window,"

Staring at you anxiously,
Never notice there's wall building naturally.
The bird comes once again from the window,
But I cries towards the window,
"I shall not judged by this window,"

I know it's coursework time but...

2009-10-20T15:16:00.004+08:00

Well, I just thought I should just update since this blog is quite new. lol
actually nothing much happened today, just a busy day.
There's many issues in my coursework that I do not even understand a bit!
Thanks to my friends today I have finally have a hang of it,
now just to type them all out!
Quite easy I think, I must finish it as soon as possible to play inFamous!
My friend just borrowed it to me and I'm pumped up to play it!
... But not now, I have to control myself so I don't live like a zombie.
You know, my holiday schedule?
Sleep, eat, play, sleep, repeat.
Until yesterday I only felt extremely guilty for watching animation,
since I do not know anything about the coursework, I can't really get started,
But not today! I already swear to at least complete 1 out of 6 parts!
I can do more as well! RAWR!

Now for photo section, 2 photos for today =)

Malaysia Protects the environment! Malaysia Boleh!

Seriously, can't they see the trash can is already DAMN full?
The ground is using carpet too, can't they at least THINK before they THROW?

Yay! Reverse parking, Succeed!

HA, reverse parking is now nothing to me! Next stop, neat side parking!

That is all for now.

Peace out.

Well

2009-10-19T14:50:00.002+08:00

I'm kind of bored so I made this blog.
It's been ages ago since I last updated my live spaces blog,
But it's like a ghost town there anyway, I think probably no one will care much.

But hey, is the blog thing died out? Seem a lot of people starting to fell to the knees of Face book,
Personally don't like it much, just another social network with repetitive games,
and they say they play it for the games? HA, that's rich.

Wait, isn't this strange that a guy suddenly make a blog and start whining?
I should do these uh, introduction things first? *laughs*
Anyhow, There's some people that keep telling me to change blogging here, and I did.
I have long interest in blogging, some of you may not believe me, since I update quite rarely,
But I feel blogging can be some kind of releasing,
It is not just like I want to make someone know what I'm feeling like some angry kids,
That is why I wouldn't care much, and maybe that's why my last blog died.

I hope I can update soon, there are tons of coursework waiting for me,
and I still doesn't move a budge.
But I think I can spare a little time, every Monday, to at least not make this blog died out.

Peace out